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Many well-meaning allies, friends, and family members of transgender people will say things like: “Well, I’m glad that Sara is living her life out loud, but I just don’t think I could ever date a trans person.It’s just a really personal preference for me.”These people, and many others in the world, feel that it’s okay if trans people want to be out and live their life as a woman, a man, or a non-binary person, but ultimately, they say that they are just “not attracted” to any transgender people.When you’re on the dance floor, or on Tinder, or flirting with someone at a work function, you can’t truly “tell” if someone is trans just by looking at them, no matter how much you think you can.How do you know the cute girl you were flirting with at the bar last night isn’t a trans woman?Before we talk about how that sentiment alone is transphobic, I want to be direct about the fear that trans people, especially trans women, face in the world of dating cisgender people.Dating as a trans woman (online or in person) often means an exhausting stream of inappropriate, fetishizing, dehumanizing, and sometimes violent messages asking about my genitals, people expecting praise for fetishizing me, and others assuming my identity is either not authentic or repulsive in some way.

Our free personal ads are full of single women and men in Sex looking for serious relationships, a little online flirtation, or new friends to go out with.And even more importantly, these barriers are not a problem for trans people because we have universally bad work ethic or because we aren’t worthy of love, these barriers exist because many cisgender people imagine us as a burden, a drain on resources, a political liability, something “weird” to tolerate, a challenge, confused, mentally-ill (which is ableist), sexual fetishists, and so many other frameworks that place the burden on trans people for navigating a world that doesn’t respect us, doesn’t validate us, doesn’t support our basic human rights to free expression, and doesn’t empower us to be in positions of leadership in society.It’s ok, other people, you can stay and listen in too.You can even use this defense to avoid charges for the violence you’ve caused to a trans person in such a state of “insanity”.The so-called “trans panic” defense is still widely used to reduce sentencing and plea for lesser charges in cases of violence against transgender people.

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